It got worse

So, after the whole escapade with my ex-boyfriend, I met the ex of the girl he cheated on me with. We became friends, then better friends, then we started dating. I moved in with him. Now, I recently discovered, that he has been using mental manipulation on me for our entire relationship, even when we were just friends, and I feel foolish for being susceptible to it. Also I have proof that he is cheating/planning to cheat on me. He reads a book called "The Master's Guide To Seduction," and takes notes, and copies a mantra out of t religiously. I found this while he was at work, and read part of it, and became sick to my stomach. God only knows how many others he has done this to. He said to a friend that "it's been scary effective" on all of his test subjects so far. HMMMM.....I wonder who he has been testing it on? Oh wait....that's right. Me. Awesome. FML.

Thou, Betrayer

Thou, Betrayer...

If heaven is filled with people like you, I'd rather rot in hell a thousand times. You said you loved me, you worthless traitor. Fuck you, everything you stand for, the air in your lungs, and the ground on which you stand. I never want to see you again. I cannot believe I gave myself to you...and to think I mourned the loss of you? I can scarcely bear this burden. My chest feels like a ticking bomb. Faster and faster my heart beats with this pain, waiting only to explode, bringing me to my end. I suppose you would like that, so that you are free to be with her. It is customary for me to reserve such emotions as hate for excruciatingly evil or otherwise loathsome circumstances, and yet...I deem you unworthy. You, sir, are merely one of my regrets; not even my greatest failure. But what is this vast emptiness I now feel?  What did I ever do to you, that gave you any indication that you have the right to treat me this way? I dressed like Princess Zelda for you. I did things for you that I am ashamed of. And why? Because I DID love you. What am I to think, now that you lied to me? Love is but a word that people can use, to influence others, to bend them to their will... Apart from my time, effort, and money, I spent my heart on you. I trusted you with what little I had left. With each new sin, I feel more guilty, with each new trespass, I feel more ashamed. With the shame of losing it to someone who didn't love me, there came a certain self-loathing that has, over time, faded into the background, much similar to the ticking of a clock that has been in the family for generations, still working. With the death of my most beloved....the most innocent of all...I feel every day a guilt that one such as you could never fathom. With the sin of being with my second boyfriend, I live with constant disgrace; just another of his many conquests. But with your betrayal, I find myself empty, and distrustful. You will never be what my first love was to me. You, only a liar. But you have hurt me...so deeply, and in such a way that I cannot express. My eyes cry out from the pain of bearing all the tears that you have caused. You make my insides wither.

And now, Nightwish, my angel of music, let us fall into so deep a slumber from which I pray I never awaken.

I Miss

Everything. You never know what you had or didn't until it's gone and someone else's. There aren't enough tears inside me to express my pain. I feel ludicrous just thinking it, but this seems to get worse with every passing day. All I keep thinking is "What did I do? Why did this happen? It won't get better, and it's my fault. I hate myself."

I felt like dying today.

The woman from the pro-life group at my college was harassing me today, and pointing out how your baby's heart starts beating at 24 days, and that you can determine gender so early now. She said it was wrong to abort, and that it's a horrible crime to kill a baby. I entered a stage of advanced depression at this point. Last year, I miscarried about a month and a half into my pregnancy. I know a lot of people will say it wasn't my fault, but nothing can make me feel better about it. I feel as though I killed an innocent child, and now there is nothing I can do, no one I can apologize to.

Clubbing And Other Things Of A Less-Than-Cheerful Nature

Last night, I went out to a club with some friends in an effort to feel better, and be less depressed. Today has been rather spectacularly horrible. It seemed like everything went wrong, from mistakes at work to parents lecturing me. And the depression keeps re-setting in.

It's the little things that wear on my sanity, like a cheese grater to my bare spine. I forgot to bring my bike chain to work, (after spending an hour looking for the lock before leaving) so I had to wheel my bike through the lobby, in front of staring customers who kept giving me death glares, like my bike tires on the floor were somehow contaminating their food. When I got out of work, I went home, and promptly had to mop up the mess my little brother had made by over-flowing the toilet.

Also, my ex-boyfriend told me to come get my things out of his apartment. I've been really depressed about the break-up lately, and this is just one of those things that finalizes everything. It's been hard....people will tell you that talking about it helps, and I suppose that's true, to some extent...but it won't make it 100% better. I still feel like shit. I don't really know why this relationship hurts this badly, especially since he doesn't seem to care at all. It could have something to do with the fact that he said he loved me, but that's neither here nor there. Maybe it's just that he lied.

Feeling Alone Sucks

The first week of being single in almost five months...is horrible. I miss cuddling, random car trips, watching movies together, holding hands, kisses...everything. I mean, sure, I'm FREE to do what I want. But...sometimes being taken is more than that. I guess it's really true that you never really know what you have until you don't have it anymore.

I want to make unhappy smiley faces, but I'm really trying not to do all the internet-speak on this blog.

My first boyfriend is coming to see me this week; I've missed him a lot. I'm excited, and am kind of torn between feeling guilty for being excited, and remembering that I'm single and don't have to feel guilty. I really don't know what to feel at this point. I kind of just want to live for me right now. Maybe enjoy my life a little bit, instead of constantly feeling depressed. "Live in the now," and all that jazz.

On a new note, I am learning an Eminem song...something I thought I would never do. It's amusing, really, all the things we never thought we would do when we were kids....we end up doing them. Or that's my opinion at least. Also, I dyed my hair pink, hot red, and purple. I needed a change so badly. More than that now, though, I need to get out of my parents' house. It feels like I am losing my mind here. I went car-shopping on Saturday, and intend to go again, as soon as I can.

In addition, I would like to discuss the jumble of thoughts that are running haphazardly through my mind. If they don't make sense, I apologize. I feel the need to finish my Nightwish collage, and possibly modify it with new pictures, to include Halestorm, because that is the yin to its yang. He is the sun, and I am the moon. The moon is nothing without the sun; how else would it be seen, for it only reflects the sun's light...is it wrong to walk in the sun? I brought one half of this music to the table; he brought the other. Together we are complete.

I would give the whole world to be forever yours, meleth nin.

*dedicated to the blameless one* Perhaps now my dreams will be less haunted.

Drama is Over-Rated

Wow. Life has just been throwing the drama-snowballs lately.....and I keep failing my dodge checks. (Yes, I am a D&D nerd, for those who might have been wondering.) Just stuff with my ex-boyfriend, and it's getting ridiculous. I can't make this shit up. Hypothetically, if you say you love someone, logic dictates that they make you happy, and you do not break up with them. By the same logic, if you say you love someone, you also do not suddenly stop talking to that person.

BUT...

If you say you love someone, and you break up with them, but you tell them that you still want them in your life...do you stop talking to them? Is that a good way to tell them you still want to have that person in your life AT ALL?

....because I don't think so. I mean, I could be mistaken. No one is right all the time, just logic goes against this by its very nature.

I am going to take a break from this, to expound on something else. I generally really don't like making people feel bad. Tonight was particularly bad, and I really needed a decent rant. So, I was on Facebook, and posted a rather angry rant on my friend's wall. (This particular friend had blocked my ex-boyfriend.) Then, not five minutes later, I had a new message. I opened it, to discover a note from my ex, saying that he had stalked through my wall to find the link to the post I had made, followed that link (to the blocked page) and seen everything I had written, which I clearly hadn't wanted him to see.

Now, I realize that if I REALLY hadn't wanted him to see it, I should not have posted such a thing on a social networking site such as Facebook, of all places. However, in my defense it is late, and I am simply fed-up.

He sent me a private message saying that he isn't angry about my rant, and that I should say things to his face. I understand that it's kind of immature to say things behind someone's back, but if they just broke up with you out of nowhere, I think that it's somewhat acceptable to be a little upset, and not really want to talk to them about it. Personally, I give no fucks about whether or not he is upset at me for letting out steam on a page he wasn't supposed to be able to see, in order to preserve my own quickly-dwindling sanity and peace of mind, and as such, any reassurances he was trying to make were lost on me. More than anything else, I am upset that he felt that my rant was his business, and that he thought he had every right to read it, to the point of being a creeper, for lack of a better term, and stalking my Facebook page to find a link to something he knew no one wanted him to see.

I wonder how much daytime TV would pay me to let them turn this into a soap opera?

Well, that's just BRILLIANT

Dear World, my boyfriend broke up with me. Well, EX-boyfriend now, I suppose. I'm sure you all wanted to know that, too. You just got on your computers and were all thinking at the same time, "OH MY GOD. I TOTALLY want to read about someone's emotional sufferings right now!"

Yeah right.